Diary of a Nervous Breakdown

I can hardly believe I am here right now. Sometimes I think I need to pinch myself to find out if this is just a dream. I'm pretty sure I'm awake.

Five days ago, my husband, Rodney and I made a very serious and quick decision to separate for an indefinite amount of time while he works directly with covid 19 patients. We weighed all types of scenarios and who knows what the right decision is, but ours has me sitting here in a borrowed Winnabego on my parents drive way with my 1 year old baby, Hannah taking a nap in a pac n play next to me.

I had the worst time preparing to leave my husband and taking his baby away from him. That was excruciating.  For me, I couldnt sleep and lost my appetite  I had several moments sobbing in my hands to hide my face from my baby and husband. I'm struggling with the concept of how long this could be for. We have no idea of course and because he is in the medical field, it will be far longer than when everyone else gets to go out and start normal lives again. I'm struggling with the fact that I am not there to keep him company. His family got up and walked out. That is so hard for me to realize that I had to do that to him. He will miss the last few months of Hannah being a baby. Will she remember her daddy when this is all over?  But the hardest part that I couldn't dwell on for very long, were my thoughts that I might not ever see him again. That of course I realize is not likely, but regardless it is still a possibility.  All of these thoughts clouded the fact that I was also packing for a very strange time of my life in a camper with a baby by myself.

When I got to my RV and started unpacking and seeing all my family a few meters away, all of a sudden I started to feel so foolish. Why are we doing all of this nonsense? How ridiculous I felt. The people I love so dear are right there and I'm spouting off strange rules to them. And it all just feels so dumb. At home everything felt very real and I was settling into my new normal.  I wasn't happy with it, but I was adjusting.  Up here in a camper it all feels fake. I have to remind myself while I likely have nothing, I still could be a carrier, especially since Rodney has had some potential covid cases. And I can't handle the idea of bringing a death virus to my parents. So if I must live somewhat embarrassed and extremely isolated, I will have to just do it.

The other thing that has me weighed down is this odd inability to feel grateful.  The lengths my family has gone to for me is overwhelming,  but all I experience is frustration in my heart. And I hope they can forgive me for that.  I see everything they are doing and even perfect strangers let me borrow their beautiful RV.  My heart should be flooded with gratitude.  Normally, I have always had an upbeat attitude toward odd circumstances I have found myself in and really could be entertained by them. I am not seeing any humor here. I'm hoping my heart will lighten soon on this matter.

Surprisingly, trying to get settled in here was harder than I expected too. Every little thing feels so hard. And I know it is because my emotions are a bit out of control. This should be a piece of cake I keep telling myself. After all I spent a year of my life in very strange living arrangements from sleeping in tents, to having no running water for days. That was a year. This is just 2 weeks. So why does it feel harder in just these past 2 days?

I do apologize that not much of this if any is positive or uplifting or maybe not even God honoring. But these are my current struggles.  I first need to just say it and get it out of my head and heart and then find out what God has for me . Because I know He has a reason I'm alone here with Hannah and I have 12 more days to discover how God will love me through this.