Who You Truly Are

I have only a few more moments of my self quarantine with my baby, Hannah. I'd like to share 3 things I took from all my nervous breakdowns in here.  To be honest, this wasn't some great spiritual experience for me with God. It was no where near a vacation. It was mostly boring because it was pretty difficult to entertain a 21 month old baby in a very small space for hours on end. And then to make it even more dull, most of the time the weather was bad so we couldn't even go for a walk. I know I should have been ready to invest in her and bond. But it honestly just felt really challenging.   So aside from twiddling my fingers and rereading Madeline for the 100th time and watching Moana again, I did manage to notice three things.

1. I love control.

2. Fear and bad things make me forget who I am called to be.

3. God wants me to be like Hannah.

I'm the kind of self-isolation girl who truly believes she could physically survive at least 3 months without having to leave the house. Mentally and emotionally, I'd be a wreck. And then when I see or hear about friends or family daring to go out where actual people might be, I put my two cents in. How can I make them stop? I give it a good go every time and remind them of all the other options we have. I have tried to control the paths of friends, my husband, sister, neices, parents and in-laws. I've kept tabs on a lot of people lately. I shudder at the possibility that I could be the covid police. Because this virus is so hard to nail down, policing my loved ones is the only way I feel like I can survive the darn thing.  I am a little nervous about going to be living in the same house with 8 other family members.  That's a lot of people for me to control their every move. And that's a lot of people I'm about to drive up the wall.  I definitely have a control problem.

Psalm 142: 7 says, "Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise thy name."

This right here has been what I thought was my biggest struggle, God. I have been lamenting on all that is going on around me and have been frustrated, scared and angry at the circumstances I see happening before my eyes. I am consumed with all of those thoughts and feelings. It has brought me low even to potential depression and anxiety attacks. But I want You to change me. Pull me out of this prison of my soul. I long to praise You and enjoy Your peace and feel Your strength, but I feel caged by fear and the future. 

I cannot figure out why I am not finding peace that I know He has for me.  

When David prayed these words while being stuck in a cave, which has far less amenities than I in an RV, he didn't ask God to change his circumstances.  He asked God to change him and I know that is what God would have of me. When it comes down to it, He wants me to change, not the status of covid numbers in Michigan, not the CDC, nor the president or govenor, nor the amount of available toilet paper. He is urging ME to change. 

Like I said before, we have been watching a lot of Moana. Hannah adores her. And actually I do too. The entire story wraps around multiple characters who have forgotten their calling and who they are meant to be because bad things happen and they let fear hold them back. Moana pushes through doubt and fear and lives up to what she was called to do.  And all of a sudden here in the the Winnabego, a Disney princess is striking some chords with me and even she has made me cry.

https://youtu.be/gdmfQFfGn9k

Ever since this pandemic started, fear has piled on top of bad and on top of calamity and I think I've lost my way in all of it. I think I'm supposed to be according to scripture, brave, joyful and hopeful. Hmm. Yeah, I'm not feelin it.  So then I get frustrated because I'd like to control my fears so that I can be brave, joyful and hopeful and then be able to have some wonderful moments in God's presence and feel like everything is going to be ok. This is why my soul feels like it is in prison. And I think I may even be the one who closed that cell door.

But there is this one thing that brought beauty into my tiny, cold, temporary home. And that is my little 21 month old baby, Hannah. From the first day when just she and I stepped foot into our new RV, she not once questioned why we were doing this. She never cried or fussed.  She never asked why she can't see her daddy or go give grandma and grandpa a hug. She didn't question the sanity of my judgment. She didn't say how dumb this was and beg to leave. She didn't ask why we were on the other side of the glass door for Easter dinner with my family. She didn't ask why on Earth was she getting her baths in a storage bin. In her innocence she followed me with her whole heart. She trusted me completely knowing I love her so much that I am going to take care of her. She is momma's child and she need not worry about anything. Mom knows what to do. She beautifully walked me through this 2 week journey.

She reminded me who I truly am, what I forgot and that I don't have to worry because my ABBA father knows what is going on so I don't need to.

Last night Hannah and I finished her Jesus Storybook Bible for the second time. It ends with this great reminder.

Paraphrase of John 1:12-13
For anyone who says yes to Jesus
For anyone who believes what Jesus said
For anyone who will just reach out to take it
Then God will give them this wonderful gift:

To be born into
A whole new Life
To be who they really are
Who God always made them to be-
Their own true selves-
God's dear
Child.

That's all I have to do. I don't have to try to force myself to be brave, joyful or hopeful or try to control all the madness around me. I get to be like the little, sweet girl right in front of me.

God's dear 
Child.

So if you have said yes to Jesus, the next time fear overtakes you and life swirls out of control, remember 

Who you truly are

Then take His hand and willingly walk with Him right into that cramped RV.

Diary of a Nervous Breakdown

I can hardly believe I am here right now. Sometimes I think I need to pinch myself to find out if this is just a dream. I'm pretty sure I'm awake.

Five days ago, my husband, Rodney and I made a very serious and quick decision to separate for an indefinite amount of time while he works directly with covid 19 patients. We weighed all types of scenarios and who knows what the right decision is, but ours has me sitting here in a borrowed Winnabego on my parents drive way with my 1 year old baby, Hannah taking a nap in a pac n play next to me.

I had the worst time preparing to leave my husband and taking his baby away from him. That was excruciating.  For me, I couldnt sleep and lost my appetite  I had several moments sobbing in my hands to hide my face from my baby and husband. I'm struggling with the concept of how long this could be for. We have no idea of course and because he is in the medical field, it will be far longer than when everyone else gets to go out and start normal lives again. I'm struggling with the fact that I am not there to keep him company. His family got up and walked out. That is so hard for me to realize that I had to do that to him. He will miss the last few months of Hannah being a baby. Will she remember her daddy when this is all over?  But the hardest part that I couldn't dwell on for very long, were my thoughts that I might not ever see him again. That of course I realize is not likely, but regardless it is still a possibility.  All of these thoughts clouded the fact that I was also packing for a very strange time of my life in a camper with a baby by myself.

When I got to my RV and started unpacking and seeing all my family a few meters away, all of a sudden I started to feel so foolish. Why are we doing all of this nonsense? How ridiculous I felt. The people I love so dear are right there and I'm spouting off strange rules to them. And it all just feels so dumb. At home everything felt very real and I was settling into my new normal.  I wasn't happy with it, but I was adjusting.  Up here in a camper it all feels fake. I have to remind myself while I likely have nothing, I still could be a carrier, especially since Rodney has had some potential covid cases. And I can't handle the idea of bringing a death virus to my parents. So if I must live somewhat embarrassed and extremely isolated, I will have to just do it.

The other thing that has me weighed down is this odd inability to feel grateful.  The lengths my family has gone to for me is overwhelming,  but all I experience is frustration in my heart. And I hope they can forgive me for that.  I see everything they are doing and even perfect strangers let me borrow their beautiful RV.  My heart should be flooded with gratitude.  Normally, I have always had an upbeat attitude toward odd circumstances I have found myself in and really could be entertained by them. I am not seeing any humor here. I'm hoping my heart will lighten soon on this matter.

Surprisingly, trying to get settled in here was harder than I expected too. Every little thing feels so hard. And I know it is because my emotions are a bit out of control. This should be a piece of cake I keep telling myself. After all I spent a year of my life in very strange living arrangements from sleeping in tents, to having no running water for days. That was a year. This is just 2 weeks. So why does it feel harder in just these past 2 days?

I do apologize that not much of this if any is positive or uplifting or maybe not even God honoring. But these are my current struggles.  I first need to just say it and get it out of my head and heart and then find out what God has for me . Because I know He has a reason I'm alone here with Hannah and I have 12 more days to discover how God will love me through this.